WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING JOBS?

The current job market makes me understand wanting to become a tradwife and I do not want to understand that. Below are my thoughts and analysis as a recent, unemployed college graduate.

There are no fucking jobs. WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING JOBS?

Don’t tell me to go on LinkedIn, Indeed, or my university’s alumni network. Fuck your “job finding resources” links and master docs. Do not tell me to email a million people for “coffee chats” and “informational interviews” where I make a thinly veiled attempt at letting some Gen X person know that I am totally unemployed via bullshit questions about what they like about their industry, what advice they have for breaking in, what is required to succeed. Do not tell me to put all the key phrases of the job description in some invisible-colored text on my resume so the AI bot reading my resume will boost it to the top of my pile. Do not tell me to reach out to former employers, family friends, blah blah blah.

I have done all of this and more. There is nothing you can tell me that I do not know. I’m 24.

OK maybe some of you laughed at that.

What I mean is — I am young enough to know all the AI and tech tricks, all the websites (yes, I know about ZipRecruiter), the temp agencies, the recruiting agencies, the stuff about reaching out to everyone for a job. I know about all the industries — advertorial, assistant work, sales, yadda yadda yadda.

I am also sick of getting some of the most condescending advice ever:

hAvE yOU tHouGHt oF a jOB iN bUsInESS? WhAT aBouT nOn-ProFit? Or bE An OffICe maNAgER at a LaW fiRM?

WOW! I never thought of that — a job in business or as an office manager? What genius!

Seriously — fuck you. The problem with this advice is you are not only condescending and belittling, but horrendously unoriginal. All the people who don’t have enough connections or nepotism for sexy jobs in TV, marketing, advertising, commercial, production, communications, social media, copywriting are obviously desperately spilling over into legal and business and sales jobs. So now, even those are in high demand, and also pay $22 per hour most of the time. If you don’t believe me, here is a screenshot of an exemplary legal assistant job on LinkedIn, which has way over 100 applicants after being posted less than a week ago:

The only “job finding resource” or “tip” I want at this point is an actual job offer. Or an interview somewhere that isn’t also interviewing 50 other people and probably ultimately just choosing whoever has a “connection” via bloodline/birthright.

And I’m not even saying this as some sorry ass peon with a degree from a random university and a resume that reads: Domino’s and Dorm Community Room Volunteer. No offense to those of you who identify with that statement, in fact this Substack is most especially for you. You too are deserving of a job which pays a better-than-just-"livable”-wage.

Because for me — I graduated from the number 1 public university in the US (UCLA) with an English degree and I received over $14,000 in scholarship money in the form of research grants, where I did research which was presented at UCLA and UC Berkeley, I was a Teacher’s Assistant and Writing Instructor at a community college in LA, plus I worked as an executive assistant for a real publisher for four years, and as an executive assistant to a well-known TV news journalist and documentarian for two years. I was a production assistant on a load of real sets, not student films. I did a Lil Wayne music video, interviews for a documentary that seemed to flop but I worked for a legit reality TV producer for that, another documentary that’s coming out soon and it seems like I’ll get a credit, which is dope, at least. Although credits don’t pay my $3,000 credit card bill. After graduating, I completed a fellowship in Europe for a year where I gained management and production experience — plus I have almost 40,000 TikTok followers, so any jobs that involve social media, that should count for something.

None of this has helped me in the slightest. I have emailed and reached out to everyone I’ve ever worked with, for, or even come across in passing. Every party I go to, I beg people to tell me if they hear of any jobs for me. I have told all my friends that I am very unemployed and broke. Most of the time I get responses which make me feel that I should be entitled to about nine bitch slaps per day: “Have you tried reaching out to temp agencies?” “Have you tried reaching out to recruiters?” HAVE YOU TRIED SHOVING A BIG FAT COCK IN YOUR MOUTH? OR INSERTING YOUR GENITALIA IN A WOOD CHIPPER?

I make about $650 per week, and am trying to scrounge together about 10 more tutoring clients to charge $50/hour so I can make a more respectable amount of money in the $4,000 to $5,000 per month range. This still, in my opinion, wouldn’t be enough to move out of my grandma’s house, but I could at least save and not constantly know the exact amount in my bank account to the cent.

I judge myself against my peers, AKA I compare myself to others because I love to be the thief of my own joy, so I went on LinkedIn and I saw two really bleak posts; they suggest to me that the only way to get a job now is through nepotism or sheer dumb luck:

One LinkedIn post was from a girl from my high school who is working a really great TV-related job. For a second I was really excited, because if she could do it then maybe I could too. Then a second later I remembered her dad is a huge entertainment attorney, which explains internships at prestigious agencies and production offices she’s completed since freshman year of college. Gee, wonder how she landed those!

The only saving grace here is that apparently she worked as an assistant for one of those famously abusive agents, and when said agent threw a hole puncher at her, hr dad got the agent fired so fuckin fast. So, at least her privilege went toward some justice. I also got some solace from learning through the talent agency grapevine that everyone hates her at work because apparently she shares really cringe stories very loudly in the open office shared by 40+ people.

The other post was from a really smart guy I went to high school with who went to BROWN FUCKING UNIVERSITY, an IVY, with a degree in BIOMEDICAL ENGINEERING. He posted a “Hey everyone! As many of you know I recently graduated and I am looking for work…” this is from someone with an ENGINEERING DEGREE FROM AN IVY LEAGUE UNIVERSITY. This dude graduated six months ago and is on bum ass fucking LinkedIn groveling for a job. This is the technological equivalent of sitting on the pavement and shaking a cup full of nickels and dimes at passersby. And apparently, it’s not just him:

What the hell am I supposed to do, a Humanities major from a big public school? And what the hell are people doing who majored in something even more subjectively worthless like Sociology or Gender Studies from a public university that’s not even UCLA?

Seriously, what are you guys doing? Can someone tell me? How do I get a job? How do I make more than $3,500 per month and move out of my grandma’s house? Is it possible that if I was from Nebraska and went to a college there and had a network there, I would have a job? Are there better jobs in smaller cities? I tried looking — I went on LinkedIn to see what’s up in Athens, Georgia and similar places. You know what all the job listings were for? Nurse Practitioner. Walmart Greeter. Walmart Stocker. Nurse. Old Age Home Caretaker. Walmart Greeter. Nurse. Walmart Greeter.

Most entry-level office jobs in LA are offering $20-25 per hour, which is delusional. Most fast food places here pay $23/hour. Which they should. Really, I think the minimum wage in California should be $25. And if your job posting requires a college degree, it should be $30/hour. That should actually be a law. Call me a communist, whatever. If it’ll get me a job, you can call me whatever you want.

My other main point is this: we are in such late stage capitalism that even the people, perhaps especially the people, who have done everything right by interning, getting a good degree from a top university, networked, worked hard, are screwed. The only way to get a job now is through a connection, and much of that is timing, luck, and class.

I’ve only had two job interviews in the last few months for stuff I actually want to do (no, I do not currently enjoy teaching Pre-Calculus to bratty teenagers) from connections and networking. And I know what some of you are saying: that’s great! That’s what you’re supposed to do! You’re doing all the right things!

NO. IT IS NOT.

No one should be subjected to the full-time effort of going to a million networking events, barking up every tree, groveling via email, groveling via text, asking for feedback on my resume to people who might like it enough to actually find me a job — just for something entry level. This is not normal. It used to be that you had one or two jobs and a college degree and could just apply and get a job.

While I do have a humiliation kink, I do not want to direct it toward the begging and crying for a job to everyone I encounter at every social/professional/creative function.

These two interviews yielded two rejections, which, whatever. I interview well and was told by the second interviewer that I was an amazing candidate and was terrific to speak with but that they want to “go in a different direction.” I could tell they were interviewing “a ton” of other people, because they told me so as they rushed me out right at the 25-minute mark of our time slot. For every 250 job seekers, there’s about five jobs.

Then, finally, I found a job that seemed like I could really get it. It was a Staff Assistant job with the City of Santa Monica government. It’s a government job that wasn’t well-advertised, so it’s not so sexy that everyone and their mother is applying, and it seemed like not too many people found it. The pay was really good and I was excited about the prospect of quickly moving up in the city’s government and working in cultural affairs, library, communications, events, transportation, etc. That all sounded fun, honestly.

I was actually kind of excited for the prospect of getting this little local government job for the City of Santa Monica. But the hiring for that is probably indefinitely on hold. Why? BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING FIRES THAT PUT A CHUNK OF SANTA MONICA IN AN EVACUATION ZONE AND THE NEIGHBORING CITY OF THE PALISADES IN A DEVASTATING, HORRIBLE INFERNO.

HA. HA. HA HA HA HA.

I am not laughing at the fire, but rather at my own circumstances. The one shot I maybe had at a job was ruined by a natural disaster caused by a combination of climate change and bureaucratic incompetence and political self-interest.

The other problem is that there are jobs I am aware of, but they require more schooling. For instance, LA does have some good training programs for camera work and production and directing which give a person better connections and skills, but they’re all a few thousand dollars. And even then, there’s no guarantee it’ll turn into a job. And then I’m also out a few grand.

Plus I don’t think any of this is morally right. I don’t think I should have to spend my weekend going to “mixers” at different film festivals or screenings just to get a job that barely pays enough for me to make end’s meet. I do not believe in paying thousands of dollars for skills people used to get on the job. I do not believe in having to self-promote myself on five different platforms and work for free and take people out for coffee and email and Zoom chat and schmooze nine hours per day for a job that doesn’t even come with benefits.

There’s a lot of these “certificates” and “bootcamps” now that have become a whole industry unto their own that teach people what they should be allowed, expected, and even encouraged to learn on the job. A lot of the entertainment industry certificates and bootcamps teach things like how to operate a camera, the basics of directing, cinematography, and video editing. Maybe I’m wrong, and I’d love to be, but isn’t this basic shit the type of thing where you got some grace and could spend the first 2-3 weeks of a job learning it? It feels like every job now expects you to be an expert and perfectly trained, only to pay you $23 per hour.

My other problem is that all my friends who are employed either say it was sheer luck or total bullshit. I know a few people in their twenties in jobs that pay well enough and are fulfilling and have good work environments. When I ask for advice on how to achieve that, they stare into the distance and shake their head.

“Honestly I just got really lucky. If I wasn’t in the right place at the right time I wouldn’t be here.”

I’ve heard that so many times now that I figure getting a good job for me will just be a matter of the stars aligning.

Another friend spent the first two years after college nanny-ing and then finally working an assistant job for a Hollywood producer where she was actually mostly called upon to wash dishes and help pack up the car. Now she has a real entry to mid-level job but still doesn’t even make $30 per hour. She is able to do it, I think, because she lives for free with her grandma, as do I, and as do all my other friends from LA. I don’t have a single friend who has truly moved out, unless they have a lot of money from family or some nepotistic job connection.

Sometimes, it feels like the only option actually is to make my own job and do something completely outside of the sphere of the normative working world. I’ve considered making my own production company, boosting my TikTok presence and just getting sponsorships, starting a podcast and getting ads, starting a Patreon, starting a sensual TikTok with an accompanying OnlyFans, making private artsy events in LA and charging $10 per ticket and marketing the shit out of it, emailing all the restaurants in my area to see if I could run their social media for $100 per month.

But man, I’m tired. I don’t want to do any of that, not really. I also want to be on a real career path. Making $4,000 per month as my own boss at 24 is dope. But when I’m 36 and have two or three kids, that’s not gonna be enough, not in LA. I know some of you are rolling your eyes and writing me hate comments about how it’s totally doable to make $4,000 per month and have two kids if my partner also makes $4,000 per month and I’m being a delusional classist bitch for acting like $8,000 per month is not enough for a family of five.

To which I would say: you are the delusional classist bitch. Yes, sure, it’s doable. But should it be? There’s plenty of people in LA who raise even more kids on far less than $8,000 per month. I know them. But are these people comfortable? Are they happy? Do their kids get tutors and extracurriculars? Do they eat healthy food? Do they get to relax and make memories on vacation two or three times per year? What do they do when schools randomly shut down due to say, oh I don’t know, a 40,000+ acre fire or a global pandemic? How do they feel when they find out their kid needs some medication that’s gonna be $200 per month? How do they feel when their car insurance, health insurance, phone bill, utilities, grocery costs, go up?

A three-bedroom apartment in LA rents out at an average of $3-5,000 per month. So a family making 8K has 4k left over to split among four to five people. If you tell me that’s comfortable, I will freeze — only because I’m trying to decide if I should laugh or spit in your face or try to do both. LA is an expensive ass city, but honestly so is every city. Sometimes I consider relocating to a smaller city, but then I remember that the cost of living in the US has risen so much that all apartments are now basically $1,000 per month, and if I move somewhere smaller, my wages will be much less, so it evens out.

Plus, money rolls out of my bank account like juice from my pussy when someone rolls up the sleeves of a cable-knit sweater, to reveal a nice watch and strong forearms. So I cannot live off of $5 after paying my car insurance, phone bill, utilities, groceries, health insurance, gym membership, co-pays, gas, etc.

Anyway — all of these thoughts generally bubble up every time I go to apply for a job. Which is not great for my nervous system regulation, or all of humanity.

All of this is to say, and to ask, why there are no jobs. It’s really mind-boggling. And I also want to know:

How did we get to a point where it became acceptable to force 24-year-olds to turn themselves into a brand and build a massive network and take three people to coffee per week for “informational interviews” and post on every social media platform and have a website and a blog and a portfolio all for a job that you could probably get in 2005 with an associates degree and a year of work experience at a frozen yogurt shop?

If you can get me an in at any LA-based or remote jobs in assistant work, tutoring gigs, entertainment, entertainment law, communications, reality TV, unscripted media, scripted media, TV, comedy production, social media, stand-up comedy, ghostwriting, writing, publicity, advertising, production, commercials, publishing, editing, university admin and admissions — please message me. Otherwise, back the fuck off!

And if you would like an update on my unemployed life, see the post after this one —>