PhD Diaries #2: Should I Have a Doctoral Shower?

If I was marrying someone named Brandon this tea kettle would be free

“You know, if you ever finally have kids, we can help you with expenses and things like that.”

“When you eventually get married and have kids, I can give you all my silverware and bedding.”

“If you get married, we can help you move in together.”

These are common promises I hear from the women – particularly my mother and grandmothers – in my family. Their generosity does not go unrecognized. Plenty of people do not have families who want to help – or can help – with expenses at all, children/marriage or not.

However, until I find a spouse and pop out a baby, that tap is running awfully dry.

I’ve joked before about finding a fake husband and having a sham wedding just to get the money. He can get 10% for his services.

I’m 25. I start my PhD in three weeks, for which I’ll move into my first ever adult apartment. I had to scrounge together $2,176 to pay for the first month’s rent and security deposit, $1,088 each.

I also have to buy a mattress, a bed frame, silverware, cookware, a nightstand, a chair, a desk, a bookcase, a rug, and so on and so forth. I believe I can do all of that on my own for under $1,100, but a part of me wonders – should I have to?

If I were, in the words of my family, “finally getting married” right now, I’d be rolling in it.

And then it hit me: quite literally, if I were even just getting married in a few months, I would be getting silverware, cookware, checks, gift cards, and other practical items at a bridal shower. All for the remarkably unremarkable task of finding a husband.

But because I am pregnant with a burgeoning dissertation and not a baby, because I plan to tie the knot with my university’s academic requirements and not someone named Trevor, I am on my own.

Women get not only celebrated, but actual cold hard cash and expensive, necessary items all the time for getting married and having kids. But what about getting a doctorate? What about starting a medical residency? What about passing the bar and beginning work as a public defender? What about being pregnant with a deal for a book that comes out in October?

Not to mention the fact that after medical school or law school, a person is now saddled with unbelievable amounts of debt and a low salary; so doesn’t it make more sense to give them a free air fryer than the person who’s now getting to split everything – from rent to groceries – with another person?

I don’t say this to denigrate the value and joy of marriage and parenthood – but rather to recognize something impressively practical and important about bridal and baby showers; these gift-giving and money-pooling events occur at a time in a woman’s life when she really needs these items. Moving out and in with someone is expensive. Especially if we are operating under the assumption that the woman has heretofore been living under her parent’s roof and is now moving out for the first time – to live with her husband – and therefore has no blenders or knives of her own, the move will be particularly expensive.

Given that most women today live independently for several years in between their father’s roof and their husband’s roof, the bridal shower seems a little silly, at least the gift-giving aspect of it.

Gifts and money at a baby shower make a lot more sense to me than gifts and money at a bridal shower. The latter is a reward for the unimpressive task of finding a husband, whereas the former is a collective pooling of resources to support the genuinely costly task of raising new members of society. But still, it is possible that a woman might be living on her own for the first time when moving in with her husband, and it is also nice to celebrate a milestone (I hesitate to use the word “achievement” in reference to marriage).

All that to say – I really love this tradition of supporting people, pooling resources, and contributing gifts when they are about to undergo a big life change, particularly one which is significant for the person and, not to mention, expensive.

My issue is: why does this only happen when a woman legally attaches herself to a man or pops out a baby with said man? (I of course recognize that there are lesbian bridal showers and baby showers and that’s terrific but you get my point – don’t be pedantic).

Women get showers of gifts and money and familial support for marriage and pregnancy, but not for other things which might equally warrant the celebration of a costly, weighty milestone.

A family member had initially offered to help me buy the mattress, but then rescinded the offer when she found some of my writing on lesbian sex online. How ironic that my punishment for writing about mattress activities has landed me, potentially, sleeping on a cold concrete floor!

So my question remains: should I have a doctoral shower? What if I promise not to have a bridal shower for when I get married, or at least a gift-free one? I’d still have the blenders and knives and mugs from my doctoral shower!

Let me know what you think, and if you would like to support me in my move, feel free to pre-order a copy of my book.